I sit here and think about how little time I have left. I haven't let myself think about that yet. But it's coming so much sooner than I thought. I think I might leave next weekend. Next weekend. I haven't even told anyone that yet because it's just so unreal. This makes me so sad. But I have to remember I am the clay. And I have a Potter who knows what He's doing. I would love it if God brought me back here in a few months. Maybe six. Because I do really want to go home to see family and friends. I miss you all so much. And to go to Jamba Juice. To be in Vegas again with the beautiful city lights. To see the new building South Hills will be moving into. To share what God has done in me the past year.
But I don't want to stay there. I get too wrapped up in myself. I can't understand what it is to depend on God.
Not that I have it all together here. And I still have it really easy. But there's nothing I can call my own. Just my clothes. And honestly, it is such a blessing to me. To not own anything and to know that all of this is just lent to me right now. The bed I sleep in. The car I drive. The room I live in. The food in the fridge. The cell phone I use. Even the money I spend. All the money I have was given to me by supporters. People like you. I didn't earn any of it. It's all a gift. And I at home, I try to think about the stuff I have like that. My paychecks. My car. My house. But I still see it as being all mine. My brain just isn't big enough to realize it's still all God's. Whether I worked for it or not. I just don't want to live my whole life here acquiring more things. I still give. A bunch. But only if it's safe and doesn't effect my standard of living.
I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see.