Monday, August 18, 2008

The return is bittersweet

So I got home on Saturday. I hadn't cried about leaving until I saw Sheena (my best of friends) at the airport. I was filled with mixed emotions. So happy to see her but so sad to know that I would not see my friends in Maneadero, Mexico any more.

All I can seem to pray is "Take me back." Please, God, take me back. My heart is in Mexico.

I did a lot of crying at church yesterday. When I saw Debbie (my old boss). All through worship. I miss worship in Spanish. When our pastor Bret called me on stage. I cried through it all. My tears are because I miss it so much.

What do I miss...I miss church, I miss Rossy (one of the pastor's wives I became very close with. she is only two years older than me but is married, has a five year old and a three year old. crazy!), I actually kind of miss hosting groups, I miss having people around all the time, I miss speaking Spanish, I miss hearing Spanish, I miss the Romano family, I miss being called Sarita, I miss the kids running up and hugging me with their big, white smiles at church, I miss the small houses and modest surroundings, I miss spening so much time in the sun, I miss the ocean breeze. I'm sure I could go on but I shouldn't.

The burning question is "What are you going to do now?" To go back I have to raise $1,200 per month. That covers room, board, transportation, language study, Bible training, ministry costs and I don't even know what else. Yesterday I had to pray for strength against the criticism about this. Paying to work is not the American way. And it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to most people. I definitely don't want to have to raise my own salary but if that's what it takes to go back that's what I'll do. I could find a good paying job here and fit right back into my old ways of living. But that's not what I want. That's not where my heart is. I don't know how I'm going to raise the support. I don't know how I'm going to pay for everything. I feel like I'm always in the middle of not knowing anything. But I trust God. I trust that He is enough and if He wants me to go back I'll be able to get all the support I need. Everything is possible for our God!

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